Blast from the Past with a side of Indigestion

I was having a really stressful day on Tuesday, eg: the bus was late to take me to class, I had a meeting/interview with LInda Clement to write my recommendation for an internship at NIH, my friend is moving to Dubai so I had to him in DC for the last time before the move, I had to go to help center, pick up Nick from class, and make a $130 deal with my brother. All this in one day. As you can imagine I was having mad anxiety, plus dealing with my brother is never a pleasant experience.

And that was just the context for the thing that put me over the edge: While I was getting ready to go over to that 70s house after I'd gotten back from DC, my phone rang and I picked up an unknown number, but had a really bad feeling. No dice. It was Kyle. That promptly began a downward spiral into a fulblown panic attack. Yes, pathetic. So I told him I'd call him back.

I was waffling back and forth between calling and not calling. Felt like I owed him the chance, just like, human-to-human, to hear him out. But I know that I'm a very all or nothing person, so I pretty much saw it going one of two ways: either I was going to shutdown entirely and be completely unaccesible emotionally, or I was going to have an emotional breakdown, something close to hysterics.

Being that shutting down has been the general trend for quite some time now, I saw that as the more likely of the two, but the issue with going all cold/numb is that it fucks you up in the future, you know? ie. not so human. But in the end, I called back, still in the throes of a pseudo heart attack & what actually happened was totally unexpected.

At first I kind of tried to deal with it like I was talking to someone at Help Center, which is pretty much how I dealt with his dad, when he called back in January to update me on his and Kyle's rehab situation (AND also guilt trip me and tell me that the family loves me and misses me, etc). But at some point in the conversation, he said something that made me laugh. Essentially, after that point, a huge change happened in me, and even though I was and am acutely aware of falling into the old routine and all of the angst that being in a relationship with him entailed, I shit you not: I felt better after talking to him.

Not just better. I felt like all the stress was deal-with-able. All the anxiety just kind of wiped clear. The more I mull it over, the more my feelings sound like an addict finally getting a fix after months and months of withdrawal. I don't like that idea. Even though I'm not technically doing anything destructive, the idea of being that connected to someone, especially that that someone is Kyle, is pretty terrifying.

I'm not entirely sure what to think about any of it. I couldn't talk to Nick about it, because I know how he would think it's stupid for me to even give the guy the time of day, and his erratic, ambivalence towards me is no less confusing in terms of biasing any possible answer.

So, pretty much, I'm just asking for you to philosophize over the situation. If you have no response, that's totally OK! and to be honest, quite understandable. If I were to talk to my mom, she would just tell me everything I did wrong. I'd rather focus on trying to figure out my feelings on the matter, cuz not being 100% sure of my feelings certainly hasn't done me any good.

End Long-winded-and-incredibly-ridonkulous-hyperanalysis-of-a-probably-completely-unimportant-event-in-the-life-of-mandy.

Props to your dedication to my mental health if you got all the way through this! You're probably higher on God's scale than Mother Theresa.

please give a girl feedback on a distracting philisophizication

in limbo with the L word (& i dont mean lesbian)

there is something to be said for witholding the words that are dancing on the very tip of your tongue, longing to jump off and see if they will fly or fall. regardless of the consequences or expectations an assumptions, taking that leap keeps the mind just as restless as standing idly by while those words remain unspoken.

sometimes, those words want out so badly that they press up against your teeth and squeeze out in the form of insinuations (when you are genuine but unsure), passive aggression (when you are resentful of making the first move) or inuendos (when you are ingenuine but sure). it is cause for contemplation: (shoulds or should-nots put aside momentarily) it is an undeniably unnatural process for humans to 'come out with it' with intentions purely displayed, clearly stated, baring all with no hidden motives.

when one an individual capable of such a feat, it is no surprise that he or she would initially interpret these motions incorrectly, superimpose them on personal perspectives or inflate them with his or her own insecurities. if this individual is prone to excessive overanalyzing, it would also be no surprise that he or she would be very skeptical of the sincerity of this person. it is so easy to become intrigued by this self-inflicted mystery, though the answer is clear as day to the naive one, who takes everything for its face value. quite interesting that an excess of experience can result in just as much misinformation as a deficit of perception and understanding.

once this individual has internalized the sincerity of the motion(s), there are two essential ways to respond. ideally, one would respond in kind, with just as much straightforward virtuosity. but the more selfish route-coincidentally, also much more easy to fall into step with- yields a visceral disturbance in the heart of the beholder.

this can manifest in many ways, whether it be amplification of attraction or aversion, or a nebulous mix of the two. to run to or away from this perceived phenomenon might result in a change in the personal perception of the way the world works, but really it is all neither here nor there, when he or she has still failed to consider the "other side" as a self within itself.

so, where are we now?